My head hurts, my heart hurts and my guts are aching. I’ve cried so hard that I am well and truly spent. I have to face this bitter truth. He will never love me the way I need him to. This aftertaste is far from palatable. I can feel the bile from my throat about to rise up. I can feel the gastric pains start. I hope this cab ride will be over soon. I need to throw up so bad. I am a bottomless pit of empty. This is the end for us. I tried to accept it. I tried to be okay with the status quo but I have been untrue to myself. I have failed myself again. I dared to hope but was shot down. This has to end. I need to be happy. I will make it so.
First of all, let me clarify something before I start. I am, above ALL else, Singaporean. Loud and proud. (my standard follow-up phrase) Therefore, should people decide I’m some chao ang moh or foreigner dissing a people I don’t know or am not a part of, please note that they stand corrected. Now I can begin.
It has been a long standing issue throughout my life; personal or otherwise. In social etiquette, it is rude for one to stare. Unfortunately, in an Asian country like mine, we throw that out the window. We disregard the fact that in today’s world, we are a cosmopolitan nation. Nope. What we are is an island of backward, uncouth and almost savage beasts that operate via out beastly primal instincts day to day. Myself included as much as I try not to. I have derailed from the topic I see. Back to staring. It’s bad enough when people give you the once over as if they’re approval is the “is all and end all” of your very being.
For me, my day consists of trying my utmost best not to be noticed. I’ve spent too many teenage years being the school wall paper to want anything else. I make an exception when it comes to work because THEN, it’s my job to get noticed. And I get paid for it. I pay bills and help support my family at home with it. So at all other times I’d rather blend into obscurity. Doesn’t always work that way.
I am not the only chick on this island in shorts. It gets hot here so yeah, plenty of us wear shorts. Just cuz I look different (I’m of mixed parentage and I look native American) doesn’t mean it gives anyone the right to peruse my person. It’s just not right. I’m not an exotic animal in some enclosure for your viewing pleasure. Nor is anyone else. If you have to ogle, do it in the privacy of your own home. Ok? Just stop it. It’s not gonna be easy but just the fact that you tried makes all the difference.
Oh! And just because YOU think you’re hot doesn’t mean I readily agree. So don’t breeze on by like you’re the bees knees and pop a “Hello!” and expect me to do anything else but ignore you and walk on because see-rai-ously, I’m more interested in getting to my destination than in meeting someone new. Like I said. I am wallpaper. And I like it like that.
I’ve been a public transport commuter for the most part of my life. So I figure I should be used to the squeeze right? Not at 11am in the morning. Especially when there is this inconsiderate Chinese educated uncle who keeps banging on to me. Which hurts my back. I’m on my way to the first day of my lunch gig at the Paragon and I am broke as hell cuz one of my night gigs hasn’t paid me. That’s the issue with big companies, they take too much paperwork to run and us little people pay late payment fees because of them. Thankfully I luuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrve working there!
I really want to beat the crap out of this fucker who keeps butting into me.
Tomorrow, I’m gonna see if there is a bus I can take.
For the first time in my life, I felt sooooooooooooooo bad today about myself that I decided to start a blog. I needed an outlet to express my sadness and feelings of self loathing. Call it whining if you wish. I don’t care. It’s my space. Where I can be heard without being heard. A little place where I can be me. And I don’t care what people think of me here because they won’t be people who know me. Heck. I don’t know me sometimes. Like today.
Have you ever felt like things were so smooth and you were on top of the world and nothing and no one could knock you down? And then suddenly Life waltzes in and dumps a massive mountain of shit right smack on your head that you’re suddenly immobilized and you don’t just hit rock bottom, you stay there drowning in the poo of your uselessness as it starts to crust over from your self pity.
That was my day. Or rather, my night into the morning up until the afternoon. What caused it doesn’t matter. What matters is that it got to me in the deepest of ways because it came from people I care about. URRRRGH!!! I wish I didn’t have to let people in. But humans weren’t meant to live alone.
Guess I’ll get over it or maybe I am already now. Oh well, time to light up and it’s back to work. One last set to go.